Firstly, there are the complicated feelings that the child may have. The child may grieve the loss of the parent and the relationship they had (or could have had) with that parent. They also may feel sad for the parent that they live with, as they see that parent also struggling (emotionally, financially) with the loss. Sometimes, children may try to act like it does not bother them that their parent left. They want to be strong for their remaining parent in the hope that if their remaining parent thinks that they are OK, that parent will not worry or be sad for the child, thus eliminating a source of pain for that parent. In certain circumstances, a child may feel a slight sense of relief that a dangerous or frightening parent no longer lives in the home. However, this relief is usually temporary as the child hopes that the abandoning parent changes and “learns their lesson” (much like a child is supposed to “learn their lesson” after a timeout) and will soon reunify with the family again. After all, the child typically has positive memories of the abandoning parent. More often than not, children yearn for an intact family.

Secondly, there are the complicated thoughts of the abandoned child. Children may not share this with their remaining parent, but in wondering why their parent has not returned, they may begin to question what they (the child) did to make the parent leave and not return. They may make up reasons such as “dad left because I’m bad” or “mom left because I always made her mad.” As adults, we know that the reasons are much more complicated than that, and typically have nothing to do with the child. Children may think that they might be able to correct the problem that led to the parent’s departure. They may fantasize about what life would be like upon the parent’s return.

Lastly, there are the complicated meanings that the child derives from the situation. When the parent does not end up returning, or is in and out of the child’s life, the child continues to question themselves (e.g., “what did I do to make dad leave?”), question their feelings (e.g., “I still love and miss my mom, but everyone else seems to hate her or acts like she never existed. I sort of hate her too, I think?” ), and question their lives (“what kind of kid has a parent leave and not come back?” “what do I tell my friends when they ask where my mom is?”) The confused child may conclude things such as they are bad, unlovable, abnormal (especially in comparison with their peers), forgotten and/or forgettable, not talented/kind/interesting/smart/etc. enough, and all manner of things specific to their particular situation and complexes. Some kids end up feeling defeated, devalued, and unworthy of love.

In therapy, I will help your child to understand that it is normal to have these kinds of thoughts and feelings. We will try to uncover the specific thoughts, feelings, and complexes that your child has so that we can work through those issues and help your child to come to a more accurate understanding of their situation. This often means taking the blame that the child may be placing on themselves and placing it on the choices of the abandoning parent. I will work with your child to build their self-esteem and self-worth, helping them to see themselves as capable and worthy of love.

Every child and every family is different. Not all children who are missing their living parent experience the above-mentioned thoughts, feelings, or complexes. You know your child, and if you feel that they could use some extra support and a safe place to work through their feelings, please feel free to contact me.